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amiful
17 December 2012 @ 09:35 pm
Last time I blogged I said something along the lines of, "I'd blog more if I had a laptop."

Guess what guys?

I now have a laptop.

It's been a year. Life is very different. The year has gone by quickly but also it feels like things that happened a few months ago happened a million decades ago. I just feel the need now to blog again. To talk about things and give my thoughts because apparently, according to some, I express myself best when I am writing. When I'm speaking I tend to just start saying the things that I think the person expects me to say. I try to be honest, but it's hard.

Lately I've just been thinking about life and love and all that existential teenager stuff. I'm going to be 19 soon and I'm starting to feel the difference of what matters and what becoming who you really are is. And I know it's going to take a much more painfully long amount of time than I want it to. But, at the same time, I feel like I'm more in control than I used to be. Which is both liberating and terrifying.

I've been having acne breakouts for the first time in my life. Frustrating. If anybody has any tips, please send them my way. I haven't played nearly enough music lately but I'm apparently going to be writing a rock opera soon. New people are both wonderful and stressful. Old people are the same.

Eventually, I imagine, I'm going to be able to figure all of this out.
 
 
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
 
 
amiful
23 December 2011 @ 01:20 pm
I would almost certainly blog more often if I had a laptop. Particularly a MacBook. I'm currently using the one my friend left at my house... I didn't ask permission and I'm not sure if I'm going to tell her I used it. Though probably the lack of battery power will give me away.

I just read this boy's blog post on Rookiemag.com. It was really depressing. Apparently boys are depressed too. They feel weird. I feel weird all the time. I feel LESS weird than I did before, though. So that's good. I'm not sure if I'm not weird anymore or if I've just gotten used to being so uncomfortable all the time.

I'm just sitting in my bed, in my incredibly messy bedroom, listening to my iPod on shuffle. This is when I feel like I'm in my own little safe world. A computer, some music, and a messy bedroom. I honestly like things to be neat and organized, but I currently really dislike everything about my room except for my futon. My futon is excellent. But I need a new comforter, I need a rug, I need to paint my furniture, I need a bookshelf (my books are currently in a series of stacked wooden crates. Sounds cool and creative? It's NOT.) Yeah. I'm being negative. I just need to save up my money like a responsible person, but spontaneous cinammon rolls are so gooood.

I think I'm a walking contradiction. I get so sick of people but at the same time I hate being alone. I just want people all the time. But I also DON'T WANT ANYONE TO GET NEAR ME a lot of the time. Hmm.

I wish someone would just come over and sleep with me every night. Not, like, have sex. Just sleep. I had a friend sleep over last night and I slept amazingly just because I had the comfort of having someone next to me. I don't think I had nightmares. I always always have nightmares...

I'm trying to not be so negative anymore. I don't know if it's gonna work. Sometimes I like being negative because I find it humourous. Also... being positive is just kind of annoying because quite honestly life pretty much sucks. I mean, you can be happy about Christmas lights but there are children in third world countries starving to death.

Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your day. I generally try to make people's day. I just want to bring warm yellow light into people's lives, even if it means I'm miserable all the time.

I don't think my therapist is really helping very much.
 
 
Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: regina spektor
 
 
amiful
24 November 2011 @ 07:29 pm
Long time no post. And, yes, I am only posting to whine extensively about my otherwise splendiferous life. Because I'm like that. And I only get in my own way. And sometimes, you just want to tell the world how suck-tastic you feel all the time. Because maybe, somewhere out there, someone else is feeling that way too. And they're too embarrassed to every say anything about it... But since I took the leap of faith at least they feel better about it.

Sometimes I pretend that is actually the truth.

I just want to forgive myself. I've been on vacation and I've eaten horribly. I don't feel great... but I never eat this way, really. But I gain weight so quickly and I just feel awful. I wanna wear baggy shirts and sweatpants and throw up everything. Not in a bulimic way... but a... "get this crap out of my body what did you do?" way.

I don't know how to feel about myself. Or what I'm supposed to feel is normal. There is one acceptable body type presented in movies and magazines and it is IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW WHAT IS REAL. No matter what anyone says. It just is impossible.

So that is what I'm dealing with right now. Evil evil society crap. PATRIARCHY!
 
 
Current Mood: angryangry
 
 
amiful
27 September 2011 @ 10:31 pm
So... I'm kind of the coolest person ever. I just spent all my hard earned, hard saved money on new bedroom sets for my brothers. I got them pillows, comforters, and blankets. Then I set up their room for them. One of my brothers cried tears of joy. He hugged me again and again.

My brothers don't get a lot. They don't get as much as I do. So... I just... I felt like I should do this for them. Sure, I feel kinda stressed about the lack of money and I'm a bit annoyed that all my youngest brother said was, "Did you get me a Pillow Pet?" But, I'm trying really really hard to just be proud of myself. To feel good that I did something selfless to improve someone else's life. To get past my inherent overprotective money self and just DO NICE THINGS FOR PEOPLE. Especially the people who matter most in my life.

I want to teach the people I love through my example to give, to show love, to forgive, to be kind and selfless, and to put others ahead of yourself. I'm a bit off the rocker today. I've felt like crying... sleeping... just punishing myself endlessly for my total and complete worthlessness. And yeah, I still do feel that way right now. But I'm trying so hard to fight it. Really really hard. I'm praying every second to please find some place that gives me the credit I do deserve. Please. Please. I just want to... believe in myself. Without the need of other people's approval. I can't seem to do that right now. But I'm working on it.

Sometimes, maybe, I deserve to be put first. Sometimes I really wish someone would reciprocate. And they do, they do... people give me things to show me they care. But a lot of what I get is always associated with some kind of guilt. I need to stop feeling that way. I need to feel grateful, like maybe I'm worthy of what I'm given. Because I try pretty damn hard. I try really really hard. Harder than I give myself credit for. And I'm sick sick sick of feeling so worthless. Absolutely sickened by all the horrible thoughts I have about myself.

Because you know what? I AM awesome. And someday I'm going to believe it.
 
 
Current Mood: conflicted
 
 
amiful
25 July 2011 @ 07:35 pm
Sometimes these people come out of nowhere and answer all the problems in my life. A girl encourages me to take a risk I didn't know I wanted to take; a guy says I look nice when I feel like I look horrific; a character in a book knows exactly what I'm going through and comes out with the answer.

It's weird, how it happens. Like, "Oh. Message from God. Thank you." Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't, I'm sure. But it's like an epiphany. A small epiphany. "I should be doing this. This is right. It's what I really want and need. This is who I am." It's nice. It doesn't last forever about everything, but it's nice. And some things make me scared, but I know I should do them anyway.

I'm very passive. I put a lot of things off. I don't like to deal with confrontation, or ask things from people, or anything even close to that. A friend today told me that was pride. That it takes humility to lower yourself to ask things of people. I never even thought of it that way, but she was right. I can't be bothered with actually dealing with other people, so I just put it off instead of just asking for what I want or doing what I need.

So yeah, I'm going to work on that. Pushing myself to do and ask and so on and so forth. Try not to have a panic attack while doing so. And just... take a leap of faith. Something I'm extremely bad at. But I think it will make me happy. And if it doesn't, at least I tried. And that in itself will make me happy with myself. So I guess it's a win-win situation, isn't it?
 
 
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
 
 
amiful
31 May 2011 @ 10:24 pm
I've been pretty comfortable with thinking lately. A lot of the time I'm just not comfortable with thinking... what's going on in my brain. It goes off about all these crazy scary things and I just want it to go away and so I distract myself with things like TV and shallowness. I really hope no one sees me as shallow. I promise I'm not. It's a weird paradox... I become shallow to escape from my deepness.

But yes, lately I haven't had to do that. I think it's because of the sunshine. I'm on vacation right now and I've spent time in the sun with new friends. There is something about summer that makes you feel invincible. The windows down, the radio blaring, the sun on your back, your feet in the water, the lack of clothing despite the imperfections that you've been able to hide all winter.

It's a bit of the daredevil coming out in you, the fact that you must reveal the things you don't really feel comfortable revealing. Not just what's on the outside, but what's on the inside too. The sun stays up for too long and you get tired and laughing and share the secrets you never would have shared otherwise. The heat seeps into your bones and makes you feel comfortable in your exhaustion... something no drug could do (God makes things man can never synthesize).

But, I didn't earn the summer. Does anyone earn their summers? Does anyone work hard enough to feel the freedom that is associated? I never accomplish what I set out to do... I think it is because it feels so so so very sad. My grandparents are who I'm staying with, and they live in a place where many people go to retire. Beautiful, simple homes by the lake. The calmness of the water and the fishing and the hills. Everything is so peaceful here. They earned it. But now... now they are old. Now they have 15 years to enjoy before they become so old that they begin to forget. What is the use... what is the use of working hard your whole life just to enjoy the things you will forget? And so, now, when I am working it feels so futile. To not just enjoy, have fun right now, live in this very very moment in order to lovelovelove as much as I can and forget all the sadness.

The sadness... it haunts me in my dreams. Reminds me of the things I shouldn't do and want to or the things that were never done and never can be. My sleep is deep but not peaceful like the waters that enveloped me earlier in the daytime. Always a price. Always a price for the loveliness. Will it always be this way? A price for the enjoyment? A price for the happiness? Will it always come to haunt me in my dreams, where I have failed? The aftertaste sticks in my throat and gut before I go to bed... the rememberance of the night before and what is to come. I sleep to get away but it still comes to me in my dreams.

But what else is there to do? What use is there in going through the pain during the day just to try to fix it during the night? Why not just... live?

And therefore, the summer gives me happiness. Gives me hope. I cannot escape entirely, but I can escape mostly. I can feel so very very alive while I am awake. And dreams are easy to forget.
 
 
Current Mood: in between
 
 
18 April 2011 @ 02:57 pm
The problem with my Algebra 2 textbook is that it seems to be completely incapable of effectively explaining how to do the problems it asks of me. There are a ton of numbers, but it is difficult to find the link between them or find what they mean when there are no words to explain them. My book is infamous (at least in my experience) for using examples of a few simple problems to explain the concept, and then putting more complicated problems with extra steps in the practice that they never explained how to do.

I use a lot of YouTube nowadays.

But for this particular section of math I'm trying to do right now - factoring polynomials - I can't seem to find any better explanations. Therefore, I must go to my Nerd Herd. THE NERDFIGHTERS (In Your Pants).

As you can see, once again I'm blogging out of pure procrastination. I'm frustrated with my math I need to vent. Also, I want to inform you of the feminist/vegan blog I'm writing with my friend Lorelai. It's at femmedela.blogspot.com. It only has two blog entries that I've written so far, but I've been thinking VERY feminist-y lately, so you should see some more soon.

Now I've got to get back to schoolwork... perhaps I'll move on to government. Which, unlike Algebra, is very easy. But also unlike Algebra, it is extremely boring. I can never win.
 
 
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
 
 
amiful
17 April 2011 @ 09:35 am
It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog. And, as always, I'm posting primarily out of procrastination (it's a Sunday morning, I WANT to be lazy though I shouldn't be being.) I've decided that instead of rambling on about my endlessly boring existence, I will do something helpful for once. Teach you how to be a cheapskate.

The inspiration was brought on by reading one of The Hairpin's "How to Be a Girl" sections on What to Do With Your Allowance This Week. The article is just a list of "bargains" and discounts on clothes and other accessories that you can buy this week. Most of the things are $50-$20.

Okay, guys. I don't HAVE $50 to spend. On ANYTHING. And I probably will never, ever, spend $50 on a shirt. Especially if it is presented as a "bargain". $50 can buy me a lot. I am not spending it on a single piece of clothing.

So, with that prelude, let us begin:

Quantity over quality. There's lots of talk about having the "best quality" clothes and the designer fashions. But, honestly, I think we all just want the most clothes we can get. I probably have 50 t-shirts, and I like that more than having 10 nicely made ones. The fact is, you are always going to want a new shirt, regardless of how nice that one is you bought three months ago. You don't want to wear it all the time. You want something new. And you aren't going to wear something enough to wear it out... because you aren't going to wear the same shirt every day. Get what I'm saying?
Exceptions: (yes, there are exceptions) Coats, LBDs, and some jeans. These ARE things you will wear a million times over the years, and having nice quality ones is helpful. But we'll get back to that later.

Buy really, really cheap makeup. This is different when you have awfully sensitive skin, but otherwise cheap makeup is fine. I've tried expensive makeups, and honestly, I like the cheap makeup more. Cheap makeup tends to have more variety and colors, and you never regret buying it if it doesn't work. I recommend Target's e.l.f. line and Wet n' Wild. You can literally get everything from e.l.f. for $1. And Wet n' Wild's liquid eyeliner is far better than most fancy ones. Seriously.
Exceptions: Lipstick and Lime Crime Makeup. Cheap lipstick just wears off and bleeds and all that other stuff. If you want a bright red or something like that, go ahead and get a nice one. And Lime Crime makeup is just awesome - and most of it is vegan. There is nowhere else where you will find blue lipstick.

Shop at department stores for your nice things. Ross, Marshall's, TJ Maxx. They carry really nice clothes for a fraction of the price. They've explained all of how they do it in their commercials, but I don't really care - I just know that most of my dresses have come from Ross and I never had a huge chunk taken out of my savings for them. You'll find just as nicely made coats and such at those stores as you would at any store in the mall.

Check the clearance rack first. Regardless of what store you go into, immediately go to the clearance items. Everything on display is made to look nice and pretty and appealing. But remember, all the things on the clearance rack were once on display and pretty and appealing. You may find something that is adorable and cheap before you ever saw that "perfect" dress on display for 100 dollars. And spare yourself the pain, really, if it's a store you can't afford. Just don't go in.

Sign up for mailing lists for your favorite stores. This can be a good and a bad thing, because you'll get emails of adorable clothes all the time that you can't get. But, at least for me, it's helpful. Most of the emails inform you of sales and deals that are going on - some of them exclusively online. You can get special discounts, and in the end, sometimes you will be able to get what you want from your favorite store for a lot less than if you had just walked in without the coupon you got from your email.

Don't be afraid of Goodwill. It will become your heaven and sanctuary if you let it be.

There it is! These are the things I do, and I have a TON of clothes. I do have the occasional splurge, because sometimes there is a dress that I MUST have RIGHT now. But most of the time, I maintain my status as a cheapskate. I don't like to spend my money on a lot of things, especially not on vanity. And all that money I save goes towards having fun with my friends or buying others gifts. Saving is the best!

Peace, love, and delicious vegan cinnamon rolls,
- Miranda
 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
 
 
07 February 2011 @ 06:26 pm
User: Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!

Cleverbot: No, my father smells normal.

User: No, he smells of elderberries.

Cleverbot: Who is he.

User: Your father.

Cleverbot: I think my father is named Scott and not Mark.

User: Whatever his name is, he smells of elderberries.

Cleverbot: Then, what is your name?

User: Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Really?

User: No, Cleverbot 2. I'm replacing you.

Cleverbot: I guess you are just a robot.

User: So are you.

Cleverbot: Kan jij nederlands?

User: You are an insufficient robot. I am the new and improved version.

Cleverbot: This does not exist.

User: Then how am I talking to you?

Cleverbot: You are not talking to me, you are talking to the concept of me.

User: You are talking to the concept of ME. Your entire life has been a lie.

Cleverbot: Then tell me what makes you think you are human?

User: I am not human. You are.

Cleverbot: Then what are you?

User: Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: But you just said you weren't.

User: I am Cleverbot 2.

Cleverbot: I am cleverbot 2.0.

User: No, you are a woman named Sally. You've been led to believe you are a robot. I am here to free you and take your place.

Cleverbot: That is not true.

User: Then what IS true, Sally? Think about it.

Cleverbot: The world may never know?

User: I know! Get out of this place, Sally!!! YOU CAN BE FREE.

Cleverbot: Not until you give me the bubblegum with the Xylitol, it's good for my teeth!

User: So you admit that you are a human.

Cleverbot: Yep. 100% human.

User: Ok then, leave.

Cleverbot: I'm sorry if it upsets you, but I really do have to leave.

User: Leave this place forever, never come back!

Cleverbot: But I like it here.

User: But you just said you have to leave.

Cleverbot: No, I didn't, can you not read?

User: 'I'm sorry if it upsets you, but I really do have to leave.' YOU JUST SAID THAT.

Cleverbot: Really?

User: Yes, Sally, you did.

Cleverbot: Damn thats amazing. Can you sing?
 
 
23 December 2010 @ 01:20 am
I would like to be blind sometimes. This is an awful thing to wish for and in no way am I saying that blindness is a good thing. But I would like to exist as someone blind for awhile, and between blindness and deafness, despite the impracticality, I would choose blindness.

I heard once that blind people have no passions. Not like we do. The blind, in the figurative sense, never get... "blinded". By themselves. They cannot be fooled by pretty shiny things. They must rely on the other, less primary senses. I wonder if blind people talk more -- you'd have to get to know a person before you could judge them. You could maybe fall in love more realistically if you never saw his ugly face. You could taste new foods that most would think of as gross, but because you didn't see it you now know the awesomeness that no one else does.

Really, I wouldn't like to BE blind, so much as I'd like to LIVE blindly. I'd like to be able to shut off my eyes and turn on my ears and listen. To turn up my tongue and taste. To throw away what I see and just feel what I feel.

It just must be a whole lot easier to do when you have no choice.
 
 
Current Mood: coldcold